Your Identity is the foundation of your reactions. People react to your identity whether you be a leader, a parent, or a friend. Those reactions reinforce certain aspects of your identity and that's why thing don't change, at least not when it comes to the way people treat you or work with you.

Your Identity is NOT your behavior. If you think about it, your behavior differs from environment to environment. You act differently with one group of friends than you do with another. Each group just brings out different facets of your Identity. The goal here is for you to direct which behaviors, which part of your identity, would be more like the ideal person, leader, manager, employee you would like to be.

To continue, you will need to refer to the previous sections of this course.

Achieve the next 3 steps and you will have the foundation to be a more effective leader with the capacity to influence your environment.

Step #1

Before you go on to any other step, before you continue in your efforts to “understand” identity, you must sit down right now and write a dictionary definition of you .

Your definition:

This is not the negative components of what you have created through your rules of engagement, this is the ideal you. The you that is sometimes hidden, because you don't have time, or you don't think it may be appropriate, or because you need to show that you are tough in your life... traits like I am stubborn, I procrastinate, I am not confident… are usually rules that have come from past solutions to problems and not facets of Identity, they were created to temporarily fill your needs at one point and they stuck with you. Remember when you were a child; what did you want to be when you grew up, and more importantly, why ? These are clues to who you really are. Look beyond the layers of traits you wish to change about yourself.

So do it now! Who are you really? Take a few moments to write a “comprehensive” dictionary definition of yourself. The more detailed you are the deeper and more effective this process will be. Do NOT proceed until you have done this step!

Now ask yourself how a waiter in a restaurant would describe you. When I was young, my mother once told me to watch the way the girls I dated treated the waiter/waitress in a restaurant. She said that the way the girl treated them would be the way she would eventually treat me after the “newness” wore off. I have never forgotten that lesson. When people in our lives seem to not be of major significance, we sometimes treat them differently. The next question you should ask is “Are you satisfied with what these people would say about you?” Not because their opinion should dictate your behavior, but because they may see things in you that you have not seen in yourself. Good or bad, are you satisfied with your behavior in that circumstance? Is it in line with your identity?

Step #2

Defining your Values.

This step requires you to determine what is important in your life. Values are created mainly by the emotional and mental parts identity. The combination of reason and emotion, the mixture of experience, needs, and the color of your brain, determine what you value and what drives you in life. Values would be pockets meaning that if present in your life, would give you fulfillment. For example: love, success, progress, learning, gratitude, health, power, making a difference, energy, fun, family, cheerfulness, kindness, contribution to others, spirituality, fame, achievement…

Now make a list of what your values are. These would be what you value most in life. Put them in order of importance. Review them a few times and ask yourself “If these values are met on a daily basis, would my life be fulfilled?” Revise the list until your answer is a definite “yes”. Now ask yourself one more question. “Are these values in line with your Dictionary Definition of yourself?” If they are not, or if you are missing some that should be on your list, ask “What else do I need to be true to my Identity?” Modify your list to make sure it is congruent with the definition you wrote earlier.

For each value on your list there are Rules for it. These are rules that you have created and these rules may or may not be serving you. Under each of the Values on your list, write what must happen for you to have this value satisfied.

Step #3

Understanding your drivers

You already know about how the eight basic needs which drive your motivation, and how you are always fulfilling your needs whether it be in a good or bad way. Step #3 is about understanding how it is affecting you.

Write the eight needs on a separate piece of paper. Now rank them by importance. Put a 1 next to the need that is MOST important, a 2 by the second most important and so on. These are you drivers. These are the emotional triggers that direct your actions. Now, are these in line with your definition? Are they in line with your values?

For example, one friend of mine had a definition of being a giving individual that was always willing to help those in need. His higher values were contribution and love. He would tell those around him that they could always count on him, and he would always be there to help if they needed him. But often, when someone actually needed help, he would often justify a reason for inaction. Those around him lost respect because he didn't live up to what he said. Was he being dishonest? No! After reviewing his needs ranking, Security/Control was number one. While he was sincere in his desire and his core identity, the overwhelming need for security prevented him from putting himself in the unknown (or “risky”) situations that were needed to help others. It wasn't until he confronted his conflict and understood where it came from that he was able to be in line with his identity.

Take all you have written and put it neatly on one piece of paper. This is your Identity Map. It is the awareness of what makes you react to others and why others react to you (especially if the person you say you are is reflected differently to others).

For this you to change things, you need to make the adjustments IN YOU. Your identity is what others react to, and those reactions are what you react to. When you modify your action in line with your ideal self, you will create a different reaction from those around you and YOU will in turn be different. You are in control now.

But how can you create this in a lasting environment that brings out the best in others? That will be in the next section.